A LESSON IN TRUE INDEPENDENCE

"Let me live independently, independently" was the quote I saw on my youngest daughter's facebook page, and I knew it was aimed at me. Yes, at first it hit me pretty hard. Why does she have to air her battles on facebook? However, the more I thought about it, the more it became a pretty legitimate comment. She had a great point!
She is my youngest of two daughters. Bittany, my oldest, graduated last Spring from Illinois State University and married just a few short months later. She got a new job, and along with her new husband moved two hours away to St. Louis and set up their new apartment home. I, like so many other career moms had a rough time with this. My firstborn and companion for 23 years had left the nest. No long night conversations, no messy room to walk past, no keys or work badges thrown on the table. Would I actually miss this? Oh, yes. I felt so lonely. She had reached independence. Well, I still had Katie!!!
Katie, my youngest, the baby of the family. With five years between the girls, she was almost like an only child. When Brittany was at kindergarten, Katie had my full attention and when she came home from school, she could take over as big sister and help with baby duties as well as play with her little sister. But, there were some ways that Katie was different. She was a much more independent baby. While Brittany and I often read books and played games together for fun, Katie found peace in her room happily entertaining herself. She didn't need the constant attention that Britt seemed to desire. While Britt and I chatted away with the details of the day, Katie didn't need to chatter to be happy. She was content in a more quiet manner. But that didn't mean her mind wasn't working hard.
One of Katie's favorite things from an early age was "games". Games were pre-school like activities in math, or art or reading that she performed highly at from as young as I can remember. At a ball game for instance, while others watched the ball flinging round the court and the crowd yelling it's approval or dismay, Katie would be busy in a notebook full of dot to dot games, counting each group of dots and identifying the number it was associated with, finishing simple number and shape patterns 123 123 123 12_? xxoox xxoox xxoo_? Pages and pages of these games filled her days.  She truly knew how to entertain herself.
So why should I be surprised now? Katie and Brittany were my life mission. A mission most stay home moms take to heart. We want the best for them, want to instill our innermost morals and ethics in them.  We take great pride in molding them and leading them, instructing them in God's ways and protecting them from all the dangers this world affords, only to find out one day, that the day we have worked for and looked forward to has arrived and then comes an equally if not more daunting challenge...
Let them live their independence. Some mothers may never experience the joy of that day arriving. May it be a disability that prevents it, or laziness or immaturity on the side of the child, or maybe poor training. The other reason may be a little less obvious to mom but may be clear to others. If we are to experience the joy that follows the long hours and years of nurturing, we have to let go and let them live. Well, Katie's comment helped me realize this. She is only 17 but in many ways, she has become that completion of independence from her childhood. Recently graduating High School with many honors, having finished the school yearbook she became Editor in Chief for, taking on and enduring a challenge to compete for a college scholarship by personal interviews with the members of faculty and staff (and RECIEVING IT!), setting up her own college classes, abiding by her work schedule, getting herself out of bed on time for all her activities and venturing on a 10 day backpacking wilderness adventure with only the clothes and supplies on her back, I think I can say it. Can I? Yes, my youngest has reached independence.
There I said it. But did I like it? I thought I did. However, for a career mother, this puts one in a new predicament that I don't even know she is aware of.  It brings a new challenge we have to realize before we can attempt to pursue it: letting our children be independent independently. She said it best. Stepping out of their ways to let them live plans they are now able to pursue with their own thought patterns and efforts is difficult. It requires attention and sensitivity to what they are attempting and the patience and strength to stand back and watch them succeed or fail. But they deserve the chance. They have proven that they are ready. Catching them when they fall is such a part of our makeup. It was our privilege and duty for so long, but they are capable now of preventing the fall, or catching themselves; and if they don't, they are capable of getting up on their own and  brushing the defeat off and trying again. If I don't give them this chance then I hold them in a constant state of suspension. So, it's time to let go. That sounds so sad, but there is a good side to this. There is a bright light at the end of this tunnel and a way out the other side.
I'm going to suggest that we as mothers of children who have gained their independence (Praise the Lord) look for the reward that is waiting for us! As we step back (this will take time and discipline on our parts now) and watch the independence blossom into beautiful flowers of achievement, I can only imagine the joy we are going to receive. It is not an end of out lives, but a beginning of it. When we let them see their accomplishments, they will gain confidence and life skills and that is a great thing!
Katie is 17. She chose a color she liked and completed painting her room last night. She made a decision, followed through, trimmed the edges and rolled the walls until the job was complete. She smiled at a job well done. Along the way, she had to ask me to back up and let her be the person I wanted and dreamed for her to be...and I thank her for that now. She learned a few lessons along the way from me and many others that have passed through her life, but today she taught me one. I look forward to watching and experiencing the joy my girls give me through their independence and I will gain mine back when I choose to let them live independently independently.